I sit on the deck with tea watching dawn arrive. The coastal breeze is soft and slightly salty. I’ve talked with you, worshiped to some music, prayed for my beloveds, asked for wisdom and new strength for the day. When the tea is done, I get up to begin my busy day. Then you say to me, emphatically, I’m not done yet.

I pause in mid-step, registering your direct instruction. I sit back down in the deck chair. After a brief wait, it comes: I feel your strength entering me, filling up my sagging places. It is so palpable I sit up straighter, as if to breathe it in better.

You infuse me with more of you. You fill me anew. Your presence seems wrapped around me.

I had asked for this moments before I got up, but did not sit and wait for it.

As I sat and soaked up your strength, I began to remember. I used to do this often, in the youth of my Christian days. I would pray these prayers, but then actually wait on you to respond. You didn’t always do something I could perceive as strongly as today, but often enough to encourage me in the waiting.

Today it occurs to me that waiting is an expression of faith. It says to you, I wait because I believe you will act. You will respond. You will give. You will answer my need. So here I sit, with the hope of my heart set on you.

When I wait, your Presence comes more palpable, your nearness felt.

Your Presence reveals truth, shining light on the shadows of my heart. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, as I see my behavior or thoughts that are unworthy of you.

You come with grace. And with a jealous love that tolerates no thing which might spoil or intrude on our fellowship.

There is no defense. I agree with you and confess my wrong, asking for forgiveness and cleansing. As always, the sensation of relief comes; I know you are washing my inward places. When I trust you more than myself, and chose you over my pride; you never fail to reward these choices.

Having washed my cup, you do not leave it empty.

You fill up those vacated nooks and crannies with more of You. With more of your peace; more of your strength and goodness. My soul is restful, satisfied. Despair at myself and and sorrow over my failures, dissolves away. Your Presence is reassuring, and addictive in a good way. Quiet joy replaces all my questions.

I wasn’t sure what to hope for at the beginning of seeking to know you.

Now I cannot bear to be separated from you, especially by guilt or shame. There is nothing like your love. There is nothing like being truly rescued, even (and especially) from yourself.

I’ve had a lifetime of trying to strong arm myself to be better, to live worthy. I’m still living with many of the consequences of every failure in that struggle. But you make all these things irrelevant with your grace, as I wait on you.

It’s not that you wink at sin, or overlook unrighteousness as if it doesn’t matter. It’s that you know something we’re slow to figure out: you perfect us by loving us so well.

We’re not good at perfecting ourselves. We can make right choices, but that doesn’t necessarily make us perfect, because the perfection you seek is perfect oneness with your child. The perfection you long for is planted by my seeds of trust and watered by your faithful love.

You keep affirming that the simplest way to know you more is running always towards you in my need. If I trust expectantly in your goodness, if I wait on you, you fill me up in every way.

Thank you, Lord! There is nothing like your love!

To you, Beloved, I say: the best way to experience the fullness of God’s love is to wait for it, expectantly.